Dear J♥

So I've received quite a few emails regarding my blog; readers asking relationship questions. I will do my best to answer all questions, starting with this post!

[Currently listening: Stay with me by Sam Smith & Always Remember Me by Ry Cuming featuring Sara Bareilles]

Dear Jessica, 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend after 5 years. I have to say that it wasn't a bad relationship at all, but it just wasn't right for me. Of course, it was a messy breakup. It's now been a little over a year since we broke up and we do not speak at all. I still think of him from time to time and just wonder how he is doing. My question to you is: should I try and reach out to him after such a messy break-up, or should I just move on?

Dear Reader,

First of all, I want to thank you for reading my blog and reaching out to me! Now let's start answering your question. I do have to say, 5 years is a long time. It's not just a few months or a year, it's a big part of your life and there are many shared memories with this significant other. Here are my points that I have written up for this specific question from you. I hope that they are able to help you and others that have similar questions:

1. Stick with your decision
I know in your email you did not mention that you necessarily wanted to get back together with your ex, but I know that our minds wander, and sometimes we wonder if it was the wrong decision. All I can say is that if the relationship ended, there was a reason for it. It doesn't matter whether it was due to the fact that you argued too much or he just wasn't "the one", the relationship ended and that's that. Be secure with your decision, because I'm sure it was the right one for the both of you in the long run.
2. Let's just be friends...
This statement never works after a breakup. At least out of all the relationships that I've heard of, the "friend thing" just doesn't work. I feel that this statement is what makes a breakup so messy. One person is not into it anymore, and the other wants to work it out. Both of you don't want to lose this person because you have been through so much. Even though you no longer want to be together, you don't want to lose a best friend. There is no reverting back to just friends especially if you've been intimate with this person. You're either in or you're out. Believe me, it will make things much better.
3. Where are they now?
Do you still run into your ex every other day? Do you work with them, go to the same gym or occasionally stop at the same coffee shop that they do? In this case, I would just treat them as any other normal person. Don't try to ignore them, and don't go out of your way to say hi to them. If your ex is going to be in your daily routine and there's no way around it, then you need to get over it and start treating them as a normal passerby. If you don't see your ex (say they moved away after the break up) I don't see a problem with shooting them a text, email, or giving them a call to see how they are doing. Don't bring up any past memories that might spark emotions, just keep it general. The reason why I say this is because if you are thinking about this person and how they are doing, it's always going to be on your mind. You might as well just get it out and ask them how they are doing. Not saying that this person is necessarily going to respond, but at least you tried and got it off your chest.
4. How much time has passed
How long has it been since the breakup? If it's only been two weeks, odds are that neither one of you are ready to talk about what happened. I know this person was probably someone that you used to talk to every single day, and now you don't talk to them at all, but you both need time apart. If it's been a while, you may be in a new relationship or they might be with someone new, and emotions are settled. If this is the case, I think it would be appropriate to reach out to them just to see how they are doing.
5. Mental cycling
If you are having a difficult time getting over someone, or have had a breakup and start thinking about them again, watch your mental cycle. This means, be careful of surrounding yourself with negative thoughts, listening to sad songs, things like that. Be extra aware of the thoughts that might float into your head like "Maybe I should still be with them." Again, if you broke up, there was a reason and you must stick with that reason.

All in all, I know that break ups are not the easiest thing to do, but give yourself (and the other person) time. Time really does heal, or at least help. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can stay friends with someone that you've been intimate with, and don't think that everything is going to be fine a week after the break up; because it's not. We are human, and as humans, we go through some pain in life whether it be a bad break up, losing a friend, grieving; the list goes on. It allows us to grow as an individual, and how we decide to act after something substantial has happened shows the kind of individual that we are. It makes us, it shapes us, so don't be afraid of it. You can get through it :)


As Always,

Love, ♥ J.